An Interview with Michael S. Broder, Ph.D.,

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•  Why did you write this book?
In 27 years of clinical practice, I have found that relationship ambivalence has always been one of the most common problems people bring into therapy. Yet there is very little information out there to help someone reach a rational and lasting decision that will hold up — about staying in or leaving a relationship.

•  Just what is relationship ambivalence?
It's a feeling of pain and unfulfillment that can even be chronic. It occurs when you're either in a relationship that isn’t working — despite your best efforts to resolve the issues — yet you find it somewhere between difficult and impossible to get out; or you have ended a relationship and are obsessing either about your decision, or the “things” you may have done that caused your partner to leave.

•  Is there a common misconception that causes relationship ambivalence?
Yes. Usually there's the notion that if just one or two things were different, all would be well (or worse yet, perfect).  In my experience, I have seen few situations where this is true. More commonly, it's a matter of taking an honest and thorough look at your relationship in totality. Once you've done that, the answer to whether your relationship is viable normally becomes crystal clear — and sometimes even painfully so. This book is written to take readers step-by-step through the process of arriving at that insight and then onward to the next phase of their lives.

•  The divorce rate is now somewhere around fifty percent.  If everyone were to read your book, would it get even higher?
First let me say that this book is uniquely written in an entirely neutral tone. I take no stand as to whether saving your relationship or leaving it is a good or bad thing. However, many people leave relationships that could actually work if only some minor things were understood or changed. Others stay in relationships that are just chronically unfulfilling — even abusive — because they fear change or simply going it alone. Since time is the one commodity we can never get back, both are extremely unhappy scenarios. So I can’t tell you whether the divorce rate would increase or decrease if everyone were to read this book and follow the numerous strategies it provides. But one thing would be different. And that is those who stayed, as well as those who were to leave, would be doing it out of choice, not out of fear.

•  What do you mean?
Well, there's a phenomenon I've observed over the years since writing my first book, The Art of Living Single. I call it "single phobia," and that is the absolute dire fear that many have of not being in a relationship. In Can Your Relationship Be Saved?, I talk about what that is and the many different ways it manifests itself. So many stay in unhappy relationships merely out of the fear of change or of the unknown factors of leaving. On the other hand, a similarly large percentage of people think that a relationship that isn't operating perfectly on automatic pilot is one that is not to be tolerated. And this is often out of the fear of addressing even the issues in their relationships that can be resolved. The important thing is that in both cases, the driving force is fear and not choice. I have developed a number of extremely easy-to-understand and clinically proven strategies to address both of these dilemmas in a way that anyone can understand — and even more importantly, in a way that they will not reoccur.

•  What’s the bottom line regarding when a marriage or love relationship should be ended?
One thing I take great pains to do is to point out just how unique and individual a matter that is, and then help readers to articulate just exactly what their own bottom lines are. But any of these three signs usually point to an ending and should be taken very seriously: either partner does not want to stay in the relationship and has no desire to work on resolving the issues that make it that way; there is no longer a desire by either partner to spend time together, and only one or neither feels motivated to increase tolerance of each other or simply to be involved in each other's lives. The third is where the magnitude of stress is so great that it causes physical or emotional problems that can be attributed to the relationship. Most bottom lines I have heard over the years include variations of these themes.

•  What is the soul mate syndrome?
That's a very common misconception about long-term relationships. It's based on the assumption that the person you should be involved with long term must be a soul mate — which means perfect! And that you should always have the climate that is just like those effortlessly delicious feelings were at the very beginning of a relationship or that constantly intensify like when you're really feeling in love. In other words, nothing feels wrong. That can be a great feeling to have, but it is rarely a helpful standard for a long-term relationship. This book debunks the myth once and for all that the best relationships don't require some ongoing work. And then it gives strategies that every couple can follow to turn things around — if that is their choice.

•  Once a reader decides that it's in his or her best interest to leave, where does he or she go from there?
I give many strategies for the process of leaving, such as for telling your partner and doing whatever is necessary to muster the courage to leave. In this book, readers will meet many real people who share what it took for them to arrive at their decision and then to carry it out. For some, it's simple and straightforward, while others have even needed to find other relationships to go to before they could leave. Because this is such a difficult step for so many, I offer no judgment about how you do it. I only teach you some steps you can take and introduce you to many who have been in your shoes and then pulled it off one way or the other.

•  What are some of the strategies that you use to help people resolve their relationship ambivalence?
There are strategies that help readers to visualize their relationships continuing, visualize leaving, and looking ahead — everywhere from the near future to the end of their lives. I have readers ask themselves a lot of questions and offer many different ways of looking at the answers they come up with. Also, there is a fifty-item inventory I have created to help readers evaluate their own unique situation, with references to different parts of the book for each inventory item a reader identifies as pertaining to his or her relationship. Part Three of the book ("The Aftermath of Ambivalence") has a chapter to help both partners work as a team to ensure that the crisis they have just resolved does not reoccur. In addition, there's a chapter on the single life — for readers who choose to leave — which will also help all readers to see exactly what that option would entail in terms of their lifestyles. Most importantly is the fact that all of the strategies in the book have one aim. And that is to bring happiness and clarity to the reader where there is now pain and confusion. In that regard, this is a book that, for each reader, is about the rest of his or her life and the choices he or she can make to permanently take charge of it in the area of love relationships.

•  What do you hope to accomplish with this book?
My aim is to empower each reader with the skills to live his or her life according to what is in his or her long-term best interest — taking all of the facts into consideration. I believe that the highest duty that you have to yourself is to live a life that is characterized by happiness and fulfillment. Additionally, I don't think that there's a better thing that you can model for your children!