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Do you have the MADs?
Stop, Act, Think and Take Charge of Your Emotions
Ben and Valerie were parents of a blended family, each with two children from previous marriages. When Ben’s son and Val’s daughter began feuding, Mom and Dad would take their “own” child’s side, arguing bitterly over who was to blame. The issue was contaminating the couple’s relationship and poisoning the family atmosphere.
Anger is a universal human emotion that impacts our lives in many ways. But shouldn’t the family be a place of comfort and calm — a place where we can escape the stresses and strains of the “outside world”? Why do we get so angry with those to whom we’re closest?
“Families have changed as the environment around them has changed,” acknowledge psychologists Gary D. McKay (Tucson, Arizona) and Steven A. Maybell (Kirkland, Washington). “The cultural development we call the ‘democratic revolution’ has changed relationships and social institutions to an ‘equality identity,’ so each person can say, ‘I am not inferior, I have equal value, I deserve respect.’ The volatility that comes from these changing times can result in tension, conflict, anger and even violence.”
In their new book, Calming the Family Storm: Anger Management for Moms, Dads, and All the Kids, Drs. McKay and Maybell help build family relationships on a foundation of mutual respect, encouragement, and responding instead of reacting to anger.
“Anger, like other emotions, is created by your beliefs and what you tell yourself about what you experience,” they explain. “You can’t always choose what happens to you, but you do have choices about how you view what happens.”
They offer handy ways for analyzing angry thinking, such as using the acronym MADs:
— M: Minimizing your personal power. “I can’t stand it” or “I can’t take this.”
— A: “Awfulizing” or catastrophizing. “It’s terrible, horrible,” etc.
— D: Demanding. “He/she should or must (or should not),” etc.
— S: Shaming and blaming. “She/he is worthless,” etc.
Calming the Family Storm is packed with practical tips and exercises for examining your belief systems and anger triggers; improving skills of communication, problem solving, and encouragement; and practicing a Respectful Leadership style of parenting. “Encouragement is based on courage,” the authors note. “When you consistently encourage the people you care for, you help build their ‘psychological muscle,’ their inner strength, and their resilience. You’re preparing them to weather the many storms that life will bring their way — including those that occur in the family.”
All family members, nuclear, extended, or blended, will benefit from this inspirational guide’s focus on apology and forgiveness. “Both are powerful tools for mutual respect and healing,” McKay and Maybell emphasize. “We also want you to be optimistic about the future of humankind, to help raise your sights, and to imagine a day when destructive anger — ‘storms’ that cause real damage — are no longer part of life in our families or life on our planet.”
Gary D. McKay, Ph.D. is the co-author of twelve books and programs, including How You Feel Is Up to You, Raising Respectful Kids in a Rude World and Systematic Training for Effective Parenting (STEP), the world’s leading parent education program. He is a retired psychologist and a diplomate in Adlerian Psychology.
Steven A. Maybell, Ph.D. is clinical director for Youth Eastside Services in Bellevue, Washington, a therapist in private practice, and a teacher of Adlerian Psychology in training institutes and universities throughout the country. He is co-author of Raising Respectful Kids in a Rude World.
Calming the Family Storm is available from local bookstores and online booksellers or directly from Impact Publishers, Inc. at 1-800-246-7228 or www.impactpublishers.com.
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