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Increasing Your Partner Talk
The following release is provided for our media friends. For additional information, email publicity@impactpublishers.com.
Increasing Your Partner Talk:
Go From “Why Don’t You Stop...?” to
“Why Don’t You Increase...?”
Here is a technique that many marriage trainers have found extremely effective, and one that you and your partner can readily use without the aid of a professional. The husband and wife are each asked to compile a list of three specific behaviors that each would like his or her spouse to increase.
Compare the two following examples:
“Why don’t you stop watching so much television and actually keep me company in my basement workshop?”
“Why don’t you increase the number of evenings you come out to my workshop so we can spend more time together?”
Clearly, the first question sounds over-critical; the second has a positive ring to it.
When compiling the list of three behaviors, couples often start out far too vague and general. Statements such as “I would like him to increase his level of communication” are too nebulous. They need to be expressed in terms of specific behaviors. For example: “After dinner, I would like to increase the time from five minutes to fifteen minutes for us to sit and chat.”
After each partner has compiled the list the next step is to inquire if the specific items are acceptable to the other partner. If not, they have to be modified. When the couple agrees that the requests are reasonable, the focus then shifts to the implementation of each item. Each partner should specify exactly how much time he or she is willing to devote to the request, and should write down a pledge: “I agree to increase the time for after dinner chatting to fifteen minutes.” Sometimes, couples prefer to make trade-offs. “If you get home from work before 6:30 p.m. at least three nights next week, I agree to invite your parents around over the weekend.”
The main point about the triple-increase technique is that it provides six important behaviors that get written into the marital script. This generally results in increased levels of satisfaction. This procedure can be undertaken as a self-help exercise by couples who are genuinely committed to working cooperatively on the relationship. It is certainly worth a try.
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Adapted from Marital Myths Revisited, by Dr. Arnold A. Lazarus. Available at local and online bookstores or directly from Impact Publishers, Inc., PO Box 6016, Atascadero, CA 93423-6016, www.impactpublishers.com or phone 1-800-246-7228.
