“Ain’t It Great to Be Single?”

 
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“Ain’t It Great to Be Single?”
...Then Why am I So Lonely?
            Did you ever, when you were married, look at your divorced friends with envy and wish you could be part of all of those interesting activities they were into? That you could go to the exciting events that your spouse was reluctant to go to? Well, now you are free! What do you think about the “glamorous” single life now? For most of us, especially when we first separate, the single life is not glamorous — in fact, it is downright lonely and scary.

            It is lonely, in part, because we tend to lose the friends we had when we were married. There are four main reasons:

  • When you are ending a love relationship, you suddenly become an eligible love partner and a possible partner for one of the people in a marriage. Thus, whereas you were formerly invited to all the parties as a couple because you were safe, now you are a single person and a threat. Suddenly people are looking at you as eligible, and invitations to married friends’ parties diminish accordingly.
  • We tend to lose friends because a divorce is very polarizing. Friends tend to support either the ex-husband or the ex-wife, rarely both. Thus, we tend to lose the friends who have sided with our former spouse.
  • The most important reason is the fear that “If it can happen to you, it can happen to me.” Your divorce is very threatening to many marriages around you, so married “friends” slip away. Although you may feel rejected, actually it is their problem, and a reflection on them rather than on you. It is likely true that the shakier your friends’ marriage, the quicker they will leave you. So, instead of feeling rejected, understand that the divorce has caused them to feel very insecure about their marriage. They withdraw from the friendship because they fear divorce may be a contagious disease!
  • There is a fourth aspect of friendship which is important to understand while you are going through divorce. Married people are considered to be part of the mainstream, accepted, couple-oriented society that is the cornerstone of our way of life. Divorced people, however, become part of the singles subculture — a part of our society that is less acceptable to many. This singles subculture may not be evident until you become a single person yourself. To be pushed out of the mainstream couples culture into the singles subculture is a difficult adjustment.
            There are different standards of mores and values in the singles subculture. People live a little bit “looser,” a little bit freer, as if a large fraternity or sorority. At a singles gathering, “I’m divorced” becomes a valuable conversation opener, rather than a turn-off. If, as is often the case, the other person is also divorced, suddenly you have something in common and you can start talking to each other. Because the standards and mores are different, formerly-coupled people are not quite sure how to behave in the singles subculture and their first reaction can be somewhat of an emotional shock. You think, “Somebody’s changed the rules, and I don’t know the new rules!”

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Adapted from Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends (Third Edition), by Dr. Bruce Fisher and Dr. Robert Alberti. Available at online and local book­stores or directly from Impact Publishers, PO Box 6016, Atascadero, CA 93423-6016, www.impactpublishers.com or phone 1-800-246-7228.
 
Rebuilding
Rebuilding
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